Monday, March 30, 2009

Sorry I am grumpy today and all burned out.

Tom's Journal.

Sorry Folks... but I feel that I have used up all of my 'static strength' and power, and my body is too completely worn out/ pained, with everything killing me. Even the 'farmer's big, strong ox will get sick and die some day....' and ever good swimmer knows when he has to turn back or knows his limit of endurance. It's just a collection of multiple 'hits' from every corner of stress, devil filled machination and hassle today, including running out of VA meds [but that's normal and monthly..Ha!], my wife's life and death surgery, running all over the State of Wisconsin for the past week, etc. I don't even have the physical strength to walk across the street to pick up a parcel for me from the post office now!

I am starting to get panic and anxiety attacks when I visit my wife, although they took down the breathing device today, but they are giving the poor lady more pain meds and heavier sedatives to keep her out in La-La-Land, for her own good. I told her today that I felt so darn helpless to do anything for her and totally useless!! I felt myself crying a few times and slapped my own face to keep myself straight and in control, but I felt forsaken for a while with me running the battle all alone [except I know that God is with me for sure]. Aside from my new found friend and brother, associate pastor Wayne, from Racine Bible Church, calling and emailing me with support--- there IS NO OTHER one, besides my true blue Blog/ Journal followers/ friends and readers from far, far away. Yes, frankly, I feel very let down from all the supposed "friends of Job" who have the time but .... even my own family who lives 12 miles away in Burlington seemed to be hamstrung and can't find a pen and paper or the phone to call to see if Sharon is still alive! I called them all up cutting them off at the knees, but NOT giving them anynews about my wife [See: Matt. 7:6]. But I should have guessed as much from unbelieving heathens who make fun of the Bible and Jesus Christ. I promised myself that I will NOT have anymore to do with them. What a bunch of heartless pigs-- and all the times I invited them over to my house for dinner, parties and cook outs, and sent them all cards for multiple occasions. Brother Wayne kind of 'readjusted my mind' on that subject today as he made a date for breakfast with me on Thursday morn.
He told me that MY eyes were once blinded by Satan too --but God Saved me at the appointed time. But I thought to myself, 'well, let someone else preach to them for another 40 years... because that's how many times/ years I tapped on their heads.. lol'. I don't feel that there is any blood guilt on my head-- did my honest best/ job.

I drove the the Milwaukee VA Hospital at 0900 today to get my shots, and NP Mike Ryan always does a great job at inserting the long needles into my knees, and his assistant Karla squirts the topical numbing liquid at the same time. While I was there I tried to get/ pick up my 2 pain meds just 3 days early but the Pharmacy gods quickly said NO! With my bad knees and back, I ran out a few days early, but they wouldn't care if I started throwing up blood in their faces and croaked--- they enforce the 'RULE OF THE LAW' to the letter, no matter what. And my PCP Doctor was jammed full of patients all day long, of course. I saw Marvin Ellis again, but his room was about 99 degrees, where Sharon's room is nice and cool, but I was sweating and stinking from running around non-stop ever since March 24th when Sharon got her Cardio Cath up the leg to the heart to 'take pictures.' But |I can't stand myself unless I shower daily. If I had any brains I would just go to bed right now!

Like I have always said-- 'when it rains-- it pours.'

When I was in Sharon's room today, there was a new Male RN taking over for a day or two so the other gal could take care of some business [and I can understand the need for that] as the CCU staff work over 7 days a week with their single patient and grow very familiar with them and their important life saving job of which I have great respec. And he complained when I asked him for some info, etc. He had a young lady trainee who was also still in school getting her RN degree, OJT, with her learning the ropes and she was nice. But I heard him sound off and act a little wimpy, which prompted me to tell them both a little story. I told them that every time I went there to visit or do something at the hospital, some hospital staff could be over heard complaining, like: 'Oh, I am so tired and I can't wait to get off my shift and GO HOME!' And I thought what kind of wimps do they have now days always wining and wimping out?? When I was age 19- 21 I was in Vietnam flying in helicopters 7 days a week with NO LET UP for a whole year-- 2nd tour of duty, especially!! Sometimes I had to pull guard duty all night long and then fly again the very next day. It's no wonder amny of us started turning grey at age 21, for lack of sleep as we ageed over night! Even working at AMC/ Chrysler--half the time I also had a part time job to earn more bread $$$ to support my wife and 3 kids! I didn't birch and complain constantly. I told the staff today in Sharon's room [CCU], 'it's no wonder why our country is going down the tube..LOL! Bunch of sick sisters and jelly fish! Ha! I guess they took it as a joke-- not a slam, as I don't didn't really want to 'trip their triggers'... lol.

Well, I promise that I will feel much better tomorrow after I have had a long, deep sleep, and I won't be so grouchy. I wish I would have listened to my wife's pleas to find another church like RBC sooner-- and then I would have a good support group now when I really need it. Better late than never. I just worry that my wife lives to enjoy some of the great kind friendships and comradier at RBC as she looks so pale and deathly today, unabled to acknowledge my speech and touch. When ever I go there [every day] I try to plant more seeds of hope and encouragement to sustain her. The Staff told me that her BP [blood pressure] was too low yesterday, so they were adjusting/ tweaking some meds. When ever I see them squirting something into her tubes, I ask them what it is and keep a mental note of it. I now well that she would do the same for me. She loves me. I have durable power of attorney over her and visa versa and we have written orders what and what not to do in a crisis situation-- military thinking...

God Bless all believers and those who suffer for Christ's name. And, HEY! -- don't allow the Lord's Resurrection Day turn into some goofy reason to party down and teach the kids more lies about the "Easter Bunny" eggs and candy, please. Jesus is the Reason... and the ONLY foundation for our Salvation as He shed His Blood the hard way.
10 colonoscopy patients have hepatitis, VA says
Equipment used on thousands at 3 facilities wasn't properly sterilized
The Veterans Affairs department says 10 people have tested positive for infectious liver disease since they were exposed to contaminated colonoscopy equipment. The 10 are among thousands of patients who have been warned to get blood tests since being treated at VA facilities in Murfreesboro, Tenn., Miami and Augusta, Ga. All three sites failed to properly sterilize equipment between treatments.
Source : MSNBC

So..... what's new? ...Ha! Hey-- I don't have to exaggerate-- the VA hangs themselves, and quite frequently. What's new?

Tom S



garnett109 said...

You had a long month ,now rest

RIVER Organization Christian Church said...

It's okay to be grumpy now and then. You are human.

And it's okay to cry once in awhile,too, especially for love ones.

General H. Norman Schwarzkopf, "Stormin Norman" said when asked in an interview what he thought about grown men crying, referring to terrorist. He said something like, "I never worry when I see a man cry, it's when a man doesn't cry I worry about him for that is not human. Such man has no emotions."

Get some sleep, relax, put all of your trust and faith in the Lord, He will see your through this, brother Tom.

Forgive those who are lost in their own little worlds for they know not what they do. Pray for them and the Father will reward you and forgive you for your own sins.

Rest until your strength is rejuvenated and the Lord may send an angel to give you a message in your sleep to comfort you and tell you what to do.

God Bless
Brother Cliff